The Wisdom of Thumper

Today I went to a salon and had some type of "beauty" treatment done. (No, it wasn't something over the top or extreme, but it was a simple thing that was a treat for myself, since I'm laid up.). I think it looked good, and was feeling quite pretty. When I scooted into my apartment, though, one of the people on our couch said "You've got to be kidding." Now, I don't look for approval in my life choices. I'm kind of like a honey badger, like that. But her words hurt my feelings. Later in the evening, I expressed how I had felt, and we had a moment. It was really quite sweet. She apologized, I forgave, we grew as friends. This experience was actually a very beneficial one for our relationship. We both realized that I had been less vocal about any personality quirks that may bother me, but very forgiving of anything that could be hurtful.

One thing that I noticed in my own personality is somewhat of the level of sarcasm that I enlist in my daily communication. Sarcasm, whilst often quite humorous, is also designed to cut someone. It may not be intended to do harm, but no tone of voice can change the words spoken. Mean words are still mean words. And I realized that I had been using them often. I may have meant them facetiously, but they still were unkind.

In order to maintain a kinder and more loving community, I have a challenge for both myself and you readers. Lets pause before we use our regular sarcastic comments. In that moment of pause, consider how our words will sound to people who do not know us. The only way sarcasm is understood completely is by those who are privy to our intimate thoughts and personalities. The lay person doesn't know us. They don't know our intentions, or sense of humor. But they do hear what we say, and if they are words that tear down, rather than build up... Well, you come to the conclusion of that.

Ghandi is credited with saying "Be the change you want to see in the world." Over and over we hear that this world is a tough place. It is. But I reject the notion that we just have to get used to it. I don't want to. I want to make my society one where people are welcome, loved, and accepted. The first step is to remember what Thumper's father taught him about words: If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.


Tonight's skies were clear, and made me think of Harvest Moon's glows. Even though the moon is in a waning gibbous, it is still bright and illuminates the misty breath of people walking by.


As always, please comment and share this post with friends. You all have great thoughts, and I would love a discussion to continue.

Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Happy Dreams and Feel Good Movies

Today was Sunday, and I happen to live with some very sweet, very insistent women. It is a day for church worship, spiritual music, and feel good movies. Church was interesting today. The women's auxiliary lesson was entirely conducted as a favorite hymn sing along, and testimony share. That was actually really good for me. I am one of those peculiar people who is able to feel deeply what the music is saying. Not only do the lyrics touch my soul, but the blend of melody and harmony make my spirit soar. This meeting so moved me that I was weeping in a few parts, and was unable to participate in the singing part for a few songs.

I deeply believe that music can affect the mood and spirit one feels. When watching a scary movie, ominous music tells you when to be terrified (usually before an insane killer comes out to harm the protagonist). When the sweet, sweeping slow music swells, you know that the guy is going to confess his undying love, and kiss the girl. The same can be said for music in a religious aspect. I recognize that many Christian rock songs have a great message, and teach good principles. In fact, I have a fairly good supply of these musicians albums and always seek more. The thing is, I have great difficulty inviting the Holy Spirit to the sounds of drums and electric guitars. I feel that hymns of praise are a bit more appropriate for there. Today was a hymn day, and I felt the Holy Spirit so greatly, testifying to me that Jesus Christ loves me, and died for me. It reminded me that God loves me, and wants the best things for me... And that when I struggle, He will give me the extra strength in my weakness.

Tonight, in the pursuit of maintaining this spiritual high, my roommates and I were looking for a movie to watch. We narrowed it down to 3 great choices: Big Miracle, Soul Surfer, and Dolphin Tale. They each were in the realm of great messages, and were going to keep us in a mode of worship and gratitude, and love for our fellow humans (though 2 of the films are about animals). We decided on Big Miracle, and it was just what I needed. It reminded me that sometimes people put aside their own agendas, and do the right thing, just because it is right. I felt joy to be sharing it with them, especially since one of them had never seen the film. I'm just really grateful that there are filmmakers who create movies that teach good values and that love really is a universal connection. So in the spirit of how I'm feeling tonight, I would invite everyone to be a little bit kinder to each other. Give a little bit more love. Forgive a little bit easier. And remember to love and forgive yourself!!! May you see happy dreams.

Tonight's sky is clear, with a few stars and a moon just over the horizon. The cold, dry Rexburg air is giving a hint of the winter weather that is forthcoming. But for now, it is definitely autumn.

Please feel free to comment and share this post. I would love your feedback.

Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Quiet Moments

I have been spending the past few weeks pondering my own nature, and ways I can change to become a better person. I know the old saying is that we are our own worst critics. I do not consider myself to be overly critical of my personality faults. That said, I am well aware of my shortcomings, and where I need improvement. These days I have been feeling a great desire to be a kinder and more sensitive person. As I have been living with my roommates this semester, their loving and generous natures have inspired me to notice the lack in my own behavior. I keep saying the kind of man I want to be with is loving, generous, has a strong testimony of Christ,.... But do I possess these traits within myself?

Its been a a little while, my introspection. Through the past few months, I had to really be critical of myself and also kinder. There is a reason: I sustained a crippling injury that required surgery and 6+ months of twice weekly physical therapy. My body was broken, and I couldn't do most of the things I wanted to do. I had nothing but time, so decided to use it in a better way than just vegetating and being super depressed.

This is not my foot, but an example of how I initially treated it.

Three days before Christmas 2012, I was attending a party in someone's home. It was an old New England styled home, which means that the steps to the den were 4 inches high and 12-18 inches deep. I missed one of the steps, and in my fall twisted my feet, breaking my left one. I didn't know it was broken. I thought it was a very painful, bad sprain. I did some RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation), and continued to do my holiday work. I was the recipient of several rude comments about my laziness and making up my injury to avoid being a help to my mother/grandmother during the holidays. I think the people who held those sentiments got to eat some humble pie when I called my family the second week of the winter semester at college, to tell them that I would be having a major surgery that Friday.

That experience was one of the most humbling one I've ever had in my life. The pain was so bad that I wound up taking a lot of narcotics. The nerve damage was so extensive (the doctor had to move all of the nerve clusters in my foot to have space to work in) that I only recently am getting feeling back in my toes. (Imagine a daily feeling of fiery tarantulas crawling under your skin, then devolving to just hairy tarantulas, and then just the numb... That's what my foot was like.) The physical discomfort aside, the emotional drain was very difficult, too. I went from a fairly trim active woman, to one who can barely walk. I exercised 4 times a week, danced ballet, took random walks. Then it was nothing. I experienced atrophy in my leg that more than halved the muscle mass/tone, and also gained weight. Exercise has long been therapeutic for me, and to be unable to participate was debilitating. Also, the medications made my mind so fuzzy that I had to medically defer 2 semesters, thereby pushing my graduation date a year.

Being a physically weak person made me examine my emotional, spiritual, and intellectual strength. I found that I wavered a lot emotionally. I had my up days, and my days that were perpetually grey. In the whole, though, I worked hard to keep an optimistic outlook. I knew there was a finish line, and I was determined to make it there within the prescribed time constraints. Intellectually I have been and always will be strong. God has granted me a gift in learning, and I intend to always use it and be worthy of having it. Spiritually, I had a bit of a struggle. I know that "all things happen for a higher purpose." But sometimes that seems very trite and easy to say. So many people who are comfortable in their existence and where they are would express this, but it often feels insincere. In my life, rarely have I felt the consistent eye of care from my fellow man. I wasn't poor enough. I wasn't from large enough of a family. I wasn't in an obvious struggle of faith. This was the curse/legacy I was given: being self contained. (I've always kept my issues to myself.) So as I struggled with my physical issues, it was excruciating in both pain and the asking for help. I still have difficulty asking for help, but have improved of late.

My struggle of faith, that was a different matter. I didn't share it with anyone but my older sister. We were raised in a devout LDS family, but I was questioning things. There is the LDS doctrine, which I have a firm testimony is true and very much the sort of things God and Jesus want done. Then there is the LDS culture. The culture is one thing that I will probably struggle with for my entire life. The people are not perfect, but somehow I expect better... more from them. I spent many weeks this spring/summer praying and pondering whether it was worth the investment of time with people who aren't all that they claim to be. My sister gave me the good advice to keep doing whatever helped me grow closer to God, and keep asking what to do. It would be in the good works, and spirit growing that the answers would come. So I would stay home from church, and instead do my own pursuit. (The LDS church uses lay clergy, and their sermons are mostly given by the congregation. Sometimes they are a bit eccentric, so sometimes I really have to struggle to feel the Holy Spirit.) It was on one of those Sundays that it really came to me: it doesn't matter what these other people think, say, do. All that matters is what I do, say, think... and how much closer it gets me to my God and my Jesus. Is what I'm doing improving my holy relationships? Who am I to question where another person is in a spiritual aspect? These questions made me pray for different things, and for more people. Some of the selfish fell away, and more of the love came to rest.

As I began changing my prayers and changing my heart, I noticed something very interesting happening. The very traits that I have been desiring in a mate have been growing in me... At least, I think that they have. Really, the only way to know if one has those traits is to know how s/he sees other people. For myself, my opinions of other people have been changing. I do admit, though, that it is difficult to be at a college with people who are 10+ years younger than me. I literally go to school with children. But there is something beautiful about that. Many of my classmates possess within themselves an innocence and purity that reminds me of angels.

Keep looking for the beauty in this world. The weather is ever changing. Whether there is a storm on the horizon, or a glorious sunrise, a peaceful heart will find a joyful experience.

Please keep reading and commenting, and sharing this blog. I'm working making this a daily post blog this semester.

Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Geek and Sundry

I love this YouTube channel, and they are having a giveaway... Check them out!!!


http://geekandsundry.com/geek-sundry-holiday-giveaway-a-day/

Educational Goals

So with my current change of major came a change of career plans. My new dream is to become either a Physician or a Physician's Assistant. Here is the problem: the current administration has cut a lot of federal funding for college education. If they remain in office, I won't be able to afford to become a doctor. The expense of medical school is so high that if I can't bill commensurate with the education required to become a doctor, there is no way that I will have the funds to repay the student loans I will acquire.

The obvious devaluation of being educated in America is startling. Bureaucrats yammer on about how we need to become competitive with other nations, and how our education system is awesome, all the while not paying our teachers an adequate wage and now making it harder for doctors to make the money they earn. The only way to really change our economy is to educate our people, make them more competitive with the nations that so many jobs are outsourced to. And pay teachers a wage that honors the hours of work and amount of debt they incur in their educational pursuits. Who do you think teaches our future lawyers, doctors, politicians, engineers... It isn't their mammas. Mamma doesn't teach every college level course, nor does she teach all other classes. (The exception being those who home-school their children. And props to those moms!)

I was discussing this topic with a few friends who worked in Asia, post-grad. They each earned in one year of teaching in Asia enough money to pay off their entire undergraduate education's student loans. That is including their room and board, and local trips, and extras, and pocket money, and savings. Teachers in other nations really make bank! What happened to the ole US of A? And in my case, becoming a medical provider... I have a few friends who are medical providers, who left their home nations to practice in the States. The money was better, and their loans could actually be paid off. I am all for affordable medical care. Just if you are going to do that, make medical school "affordable" too.


This is just my world right now. If there is a reelection, I'm going to have to scrap my medical school plans and look for a job instead. That is the reality for this college student. Pell Grant usage was limited starting Fall 2011. That means that a student is no longer able to use a Pell Grant to pay for classes during their "off" semester. Only two semesters are eligible, after that it is a big question mark and shoulder shrug. It is up to the student to figure out how to pay for that extra class he or she wants to take. Or in my case, that extra 4 classes. So, Thank You, President Obama! You really helped me soooo much! Way to protect federal education money!

(I didn't think I would ever rant even slightly politically. But when I was really thinking about the long term financial issues that will emerge, I got angry. I don't have some unknown benefactor paying for my schooling. There is no magic medical school fairy who will pop up and grant my funding wishes. It is very scary, to think that I may have to abandon my hopes and dreams.)

The weather is a bit bleak today. I hope the sun can peek out of the thick clouds... I so need those warming rays.

Please comment and share this post.

Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

You Don't Know Me!

I posted a meme on facebook a few days ago. It said "If you can afford beer, drugs, cigarettes, manicures, and tattoos, you don't need food-stamps or welfare." It started a bit of a hot debate, which was its purpose. This posting is not about my opinions of the welfare issue. They are varying, and not up for discussion today. This post is about what one person posted in reply to my part in the discussion. He accused me of being judgmental, and speaking about something I knew nothing about. This man, who hasn't seen or spoken with me in probably 10 years, presumes that he knows about my life and then goes on to point out that I am out of touch and possibly unChristlike. He is someone with whom I have never shared confidences with. I have never given him any intimate details of my life. With that in mind, I want to talk about the many types of sharers there are.

First, there is the emotional vomiter. He shares WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, way too soon. He is trying to create an intimacy in a relationship that has not yet developed, because not enough time has passed in the relationship. His attempts towards false intimacy are often inappropriate, and of a highly personal nature. For example, a man I knew, who wanted a close relationship with me did this exact thing. The second occurrence of our meeting, a carpool drive to the lake, he decided it was a good idea to tell me the details of his past relationship. She only wanted to date him for "one thing", and we know how that ended. This story was following his having disclosed that both his mother and sister had died of AIDS. Now, I am not one to discriminate based on familial medical history. But it is ridiculous to assume that the second time meeting someone is an appropriate moment to share something so highly personal and tragic. He is a nice man, but his emotional vomiting was such a turn-off that after our only date I had to end it. On a side note, emotional vomiters tend to speed through romantic relationship development too. They skip the steps of getting to know one another, trusting each other, relying upon each other, and skip straight to the deep intimate parts instead.

Second, we have the drama queen/king. This person has no problem with sharing the intimate details of their life, either. They seem to have a constant need for an audience, and a sympathetic one is always best. She will always seem to have problems, and always has to share them with someone. Personal boundaries seem to not phase the drama queen. She will sweep right past them, and will often not notice the emotional needs of the members of the audience. After all, if a person is listening, he or she obviously doesn't have the level of problems in his or her life, and can spare the time/emotional strength. For example, one woman I know is highly dramatic. She was so very in love with a man, and every little detail of every encounter with him needed to be analyzed. And more, she agonized every day over what she did or didn't do. It was not unusual for her to burst into my bedroom at any given time, to unload her emotional baggage, and after her story/issues were out she would promptly say "Well, I've gotta . Bye." She would leave a gash of emotional stew, and not stop to consider that I might have a few issues of my own. She is a nice woman. She just couldn't seem to comprehend that another person would have emotional needs, or really didn't want to hear about her problems. A note, drama queens/kings rarely reciprocate listening for their audience.

Third, we have the privateer. (It is the best I could come up with for this person.) They prize their privacy above most else. They only share the intimate details with a precious few, for not many will treasure and protect this knowledge. Privateers have many boundaries, and respect those imposed by others. I am an example of a privateer. I do not like to share my life details with the whole world. It is not their business, and I do not desire their input in my life decisions. More than that, there are too many phony people who are eager to hear the sordid details, only to turn around and share them in casual conversation. I have a select few friends, who I trust above all else. I know that whatever I share with them will be treated like the precious jewel I deem it to be. It boggles my mind when people share the intimate details of their private lives. Do they want an audience? Is nothing sacred? A side note about privateers, they have often been the recipient of a betrayal of some sort, where their information, or details were shared without their consent. Or the other option is that they just don't like their personal business to be a topic of discussion with the public.

Fourth, and lastly, are the healthy sharers. They have a balance between how much they share, and who they share it with. Healthy sharers are extremely rare, as not many people are actually emotionally healthy. These people are great friends, as they will do the give and take of private sharing. They respect boundaries, and have appropriate ones of their own.One example of a healthy sharer is a dear friend of mine. We were new friends, and she had an issue in her life, which she did not share with me. I knew that something was going on, but she didn't feel it appropriate to share it with someone she didn't know well enough yet. Flash forward to a few months later, we are now the best of friends and share everything. She does just that, but still it is with the knowledge that DNA is the only thing separating us from being sisters. The closeness of our relationship is the indicator of how appropriate it is for our sharing. I, likewise, share the same with her. On a side note, healthy sharers are awesome to have as friends, and are good to emulate.

I am not a therapist, nor am I in any form or fashion a professional who would dispense advice. That said, I have a lot of advice to give today. Refrain from posting on someone's public page criticisms, especially when you have not exchanged words in more than, say 5 years. (5 years is an arbitrary number. I make personality changes every year.) It is very easy to vault up onto your moral high horse, but when you are proven wrong the fall is quite painful, and usually into a pile of something your horse left behind. It is not enough to be kind to those who have the same opinion you have. Those who differ from you are just as free to share. You don't have to agree with them, but please show them a modicum of respect. If you want to wear your religious badge, be sure you are not being a hypocrite whilst doing it. The person who called me out for being "judgmental,"  was using the reasoning that it was not Christlike behavior. NEWSFLASH: Jesus Christ is the only person who has the right to call out anyone on their poor behavior, and to take on that role is supremely unChristlike. Wanna be a Christian? That means you have to turn the other cheek and not point out other's perceived faults, even with those with whom you do not agree. Another thing, as this is about perceptions and sharing, my parents raised me with this adage: You cannot judge anyone until you have walked two moons in their shoes. Unless you are privy to the inner workings of a person's soul, and have personally experienced, as that person, everything they have lived through, you are in no position to judge or point out their faults.

Think on that for a while and please give me some feedback. The weather up here is a bit cloudy today, and I would love some illumination.

Please comment and share this post.


Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Sunday Musings

If someone had told me 10 years ago, that I would be single, in college for my undergraduate degree, I would have said one of two things: 1, "You are craaaazy!"; 2, "You must be smoking something really good, and you should share it!" I had this notion of who I was, and where I was going to be. At the time, I thought I would be married, with several children by now. I thought that my limited view of the world had prepared me to be wife, mother, and general all around awesome person. I was an awesome person, but I still hadn't developed some very important character traits that I needed.

Fast-forward to the present day... I am single, but I have traveled all over the US. I have made amazing friends, and experienced so many character building things. I have an actual educational plan, and goals for a career. I am know who I am, and have confidence in myself. Most importantly, I have developed a much closer relationship with my God. It is actually kind of funny. I have been muddling through, thinking I was following my plans, when in reality it was God's plan all along. I haven't always agreed, or even liked, what was happening, but it has all been for my benefit.

Many of my friends have already experienced those milestones, that mark the path to "adulthood." They graduated college, became employed, had meaningful romantic relationships, married, started their families... Myself, I have always used a time table that is tailored to my needs. I do things when I am ready, and pity the fool who tries to adjust my speed at getting there. That is not to say that I lag behind in everything. Sometimes I far exceed standard expectations... The point is that when I am ready for something, I do it. Not a moment before, or after.

This has been running through my mind of late. Mostly because a dear friend was complaining about how unattractive she thinks she is to the opposite sex. She is beautiful... and short... and a touch shy... I don't know where she would have a problem. Guys typically go for the girl they can tuck under their arm, and they all dig the pretty girls. She has more guys interested in her than she even knows. It was difficult reigning in my sarcasm when she said that she didn't think guys were into her. All she has to do is hesitate in the school cafeteria, or edge of a dance floor, and she is approached. I love her, but grow frustrated when she says junk like that. She dated a ton in the last few months. If she wanted to, she could be married by the end of the semester... And I told her just that last night.

I think there is something wrong in the world, when a beautiful woman has such small confidence that she doesn't recognize her beauty. The fools who tease and bully should hang their heads in shame. Where does it say that tearing someone down will improve your standing in the world? All it makes you is the fool who opened his mouth and proved their idiocy. Mean people really distract from the joy of simply being. And they hurt people with their gossip, name-calling, and general bullying. Physical wounds heal fairly quickly. Wounds to the heart, however, can take a lifetime to heal. It is those heart-wounds that cause a beautiful woman to have low self-esteem, and a smart person to doubt her intelligence. I am a firm believer in karma. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say I believe in the law of the harvest. That which ye sow, shall ye also reap. Or in other words, you get back what you put forth. And with that in mind, I would challenge everyone to be mindful of the things you sow in your life. Are you sowing seeds of friendship and love, or seeds of hate and discontent? Think on that. And remember, for every action is an equal reaction. If you say a kind word, someone will be kind in turn.

There was a double rainbow on the horizon... Even through the pouring rain, beauty exists.

Please comment and share this post.

Thank you,

The Tallgurrl