Stupid Things That Come Out of My Mouth

Today I participated in teasing one of the nicest, sweetest girls I've ever met. I didn't mean to, but we hurt her feelings... A lot. Somehow this ribbing, which I have always attested to being "sisterly", got a little out of control. Now, I need to find a way to return the kind thoughts my roommate has towards me, and keep from putting my foot into it.

The whole situation has really made me think about how I treat other people, and what many would find offensive. Perhaps I am too teasing, and need to change how I show affection. I would never intentionally hurt another person. As the recipient of much bullying as a child, I find the practice abhorrent, and will defend those who are treated so to my dying breath. Somehow I was the bully this time, though. I need to figure out how to make it right. Because, this is a very uncomfortable situation to be in. Especially since the person who was hurt shares a bedroom with me.

I'm not sure what to do, though. As I said, I was the recipient of much bullying as a child/teen. Back then, I would bottle up my hurt and pain. The bullies who hurt me never really sought restitution or to make up for their ill treatment of me. In their minds, I imagine, I was just an oversensitive "weak" person, who was an easy target for their fun. Either that, or it just didn't occur to them that making me into a pariah, and taunting me that should I just commit suicide-it would be better for everyone, would hurt me.

I have moved on from that time. In fact, I hadn't thought of it for decades. This incident just made me remember how it felt, and I don't want to be that person who doesn't care. I don't know where my former bullies are these days. But I do not wish them ill. Their actions made me who I am today. Though I do take a small pleasure knowing that at least one of them is living with karma.
Meanwhile, it is up to me to figure out what I need to do to rectify this situation. Wish me luck.

The sky is green, right now... I'm going to have to rush to avoid the coming twister.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Frozen Tundra, aka Winter Semester 2012

I have been a very busy woman, these past few months. This past summer, I worked full time, helped my mom as she recuperated, did 2 online classes, and made plans for the fall semester. I tried to keep my head down, as I no longer consider myself "homed." By that I mean, I spend breaks with my family, whom I love greatly, then go back to my apartment for school. I don't think I will have a home again until I have finished my schooling and begun my new career.

During the fall semester, I stayed busy with school, work, and getting to know my friends better. I sort of began dating my friend Xiang, which is still a mystery to me. We were at a diner after work one Saturday, sharing a burger and a shake. A few of his friends came up and started talking with us. One asked if we were on a date. We both looked at each other and replied "not really." Now I am a sometimes snarky, extremely teasing person. I took it a step further and said "Yeah, we mostly hang out. In fact, we hang out to a quantity that he would be strongly chastised by general authorities." Everyone laughed, and we finished up and left. As we got into the car he said that we should date. I was a bit surprised, to say the least.  I replied that it would be fun, and thus began the alteration of the title of our hanging out. In truth, we only had one real date, where he picked me up, paid for tickets, and fed me. I had a good time, and I know he did too. But the end result was still the same: We are just friends, and while he does his internship on the East Coast, I will date/hang like there is no tomorrow. It is kind of a shame, though. We are so similar in temperament and mind set. We get along so well and are such good friends. I guess the thing I learned from that experience is I need to be with someone who is like a best friend.

Now that I am almost a month into the winter semester, I have come to a realization. I have no business taking math courses any later than 9 am. For some reason, if it is any later in the day I do not recall what was taught. For that purpose, I have dropped my 1015 Trig class, and will take it next semester. That frees up a little bit of time for me, but also makes it imperative that I work super hard on everything and not slack off.

On more of the school front, I submitted my grad plan (plan for classes to finish my degree), and it was approved. According to my plan, I will finish all of my classes during the fall of 2013. I am super excited to be finishing up sooner than earlier anticipated. My previous plan had me finishing in winter 2014. Now don't get me wrong... I love this school and the atmosphere here. That said, I am so over spending forever and a day in Idaho. I want to git 'er done and get on out of here. I have put too much on hold: education, life, sociableness, career. This needs to be done sooner than later.

Other things to share... I made a few "revolutions" this year. One of them is to participate in a cultural event each week. That could be an art exhibit, musical performance, play... The list is endless, but distinctive. I chose this because I realized that last semester I was mostly a hermit. I didn't do much, and really regretted it. The other reason is that I have a friend who is my cultural buddy. He is a short German, who is extremely intelligent, and so not into me. That is a good thing, because I am very not into him, too. It is just nice to have someone to hang out with, without any of the pressures involved in a dating type situation. So far, we have attended 2 musical events, and this week was the art exhibit in the Spori gallery. Tonight, I hope someone will fill in for me at work. I really want to go to the Celtic music and dance thingummy. I love that stuff!

The cold air stole my breath today. Be sure to wear a hat!

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Spring Spring Spring

I've been in NH for a little over a week, and had several things confirmed to me. One, I got my old job back, for the summer, so will not have to worry too much about money. Things will be tight and frugal, but I'll definitely be able to afford gas. Two, Xiang is only interested in me as a friend.  I've not really heard from him since semester's end. (Which reminds me, I need to send Helmut a "happy spring, enjoy the holiday with your family" message.) I do think he may end up dating Photographer, though. He's already added her as a friend of FaceBook. (And he is a one who doesn't use FB that much. Three, I will most likely not be taking Spanish. In my past, when choosing a language to study I would make up my mind based upon the criteria of being able to communicate with a sibling. My career goals do not necessarily mean staying stateside. Also, Spanish is not that interesting a language to me. I am spending the next 5 months figuring out whether it is to be Mandarin Chinese, or Japanese. Both are difficult languages. Both come attached with ancient, and fascinating cultures. I'll just have to work, pray, and ponder over which direction to go.

So here's some personal/family information. Its actually a good thing I opted to not stay on campus. My mum is having both her knees replaced. That will leave me driving Miss Daisy, acting as nursemaid, and also working and doing online classes. I hope my dad steps up to shoulder the burden. The old habit of putting me in the middle, and placing inappropriate burdens upon my shoulders, is going to need reassessment. I just don't have the time, nor the inclination, to bear that anymore. I've come to believe that firm boundaries are necessary for life; some of which are never to be even approached.

Another personal thing: my dad is planning to get gastric bypass surgery. I wouldn't ordinarily mention this, save at one point in my life I thought that was where I would need to go. Once upon a time, Zuzu was very overweight. (Think 80-90 lbs overweight.) I couldn't seem to drop an ounce, and was despairing. The thing is, I know a few people who've had it done, and I couldn't make the lifestyle changes necessary to succeed. I eat healthy, but to call 6-8 oz a meal is just not in my life plan.

Meanwhile, what happened to the excessively thick Zuzu? She cut out all carbonated beverages(except for the migraine Coke), began to exercise, trained herself to make the average mealtime be 30 minutes of eating, and stopped eating as though she would never see another meal again. Its kinda funny. I was building up a winter store of fat, when it was unnecessary. I don't live anywhere near the Arctic Circle. I've since dropped 60 lbs, and discovered that I love the way it feels to move. I can no longer eat large quantities of food. It makes me sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a foodie. I just learned portion control, when to say "no", and how to listen to my body. By the way, I think I look as fabulous as I feel.

Life has been very good. I have a loving, albeit damaged, family. I am getting a college education at a great university. My body works properly, and is in one piece. I have a lot of friends, even more acquaintances. God has blessed me with a fairly generous spirit.  I gain strength through my faith and in my convictions. I could go on endlessly listing my blessings. Suffice it to say, they are numerous and extensive. I hope through my future work I am able to help others obtain similar blessings.

The warm weather has made a perfect climate for new growth. Check between snow patches, you may see bulbs!!!

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

The Final Exam Cometh

So I have two weeks left of school for this semester. It has been an interesting time. I have made friends with two guys from work. (Before you get all excited, neither one is interested in anything beyond friendship.) One guy, Helmut, is Swiss-German, served a mission in Brussels Belgium, and is a microbiology major. The other, Xiang, is Taiwanese-Canadian, served a mission in the south of France, and is a political science major. Both are very good looking, and both are very fun to hang out with. As our friendships have progressed, I've realized what are important characteristics in friends, and what I can do without. More and more, Sascha is doing things that really put me off. He was interesting when we first met... Now, he's just a self-centered Russian, who is so "thing" oriented that he doesn't seem to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. (Also, he is a social climber. If he actually knew of the people that I am acquainted with, he'd hound me to use my contacts.)

On the education front, in doing a bit of the international studies program, I realized that translations would not be in the forefront. My greatest interest is in doing translations, so I have decided to get my associate's degree in general studies up in Idaho, and will transfer to the BYU Provo campus, and pursue a bachelor's degree in Russian and Spanish translations, with a minor in either French, German, Hebrew, Arabic, or Mandarin Chinese. Languages have long been an interest of mine. Being able to work for the UN, the LDS church, or some other government group, using my language talents, is very attractive to me.

Other stuff, I'm going home for the spring semester. Hopefully, I'll be able to take my old job back. It paid very well, and was steady. Other friends: Photographer, is a photography major, minoring in dance. We have a mutual love for all things cultural, and dancing. I love talking with her, and just hanging out. We're planning to spend a week with each other's family during the summer. She's not been to New England before, and I haven't been in Pennsylvania in years. Dasha, is an English major, minoring in IT. She wants to become a technical manual editor. Our mutual love for all things Asian, as well as our bubbly personalities, made us easy friends. (The fact she has a thing for my friend Xiang, makes a bit of a difference too.) I feel like my friends made here will probably last. My circle of close friends is small, but I know I can depend upon them. These are good people.

Climate here: It is cold, and snowed this morning. But it feels like spring. I very much look forward to the humidity from the Coast. Using my humidifier every night is a bit excessive, but necessary. It is the difference between nosebleeds and that sexy gravelly voice, and being able to breath when I wake up. It's kind of funny. I could really complain, except that I love the education, the kind spirit here, and inexpensive housing. Hopefully I will get into Provo, and will be able to afford it.

Part two to this long-ish post, finals week is next week. I have one final, in class. I'll be working every day in the testing center. I'm going to be working 18 hours. Xiang was surprised, like it was a lot of hours. I'm used to working 40 hour weeks, serving in the temple, and as an RS president. 18 hours during a week where I only have 1 final is not that difficult. Wish me luck!!

The wind is strong today. I saw tumbleweeds and dust clouds across the horizon. SO DRY!!!

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

The Knit Princess

The Knit Princess

This was such a funny comic!!! I think I'd have the same attitude as the princess in a similar situation.

So Cold, So Cold

So here I am, in Iceberg... I mean Rexburg. There's a good deal of snow on the ground, and its too cold to melt off. Its kind of ironic. I talk to my parents about the weather, and say it got warmer: so its snowing. Time was that warmth was synonymous with melting and spring.
On other fronts, I've experienced a bit of a chill myself. As you know, I've been crushing on my Russian tutor for the past semester. It recently occurred to me that he is not my friend. In fact, he has been using me and my talents/skills for the past few months. Me being so blind, I thought he wanted to form a bond, when in reality he just wanted a personal assistant that he didn't need to pay. In talking with one of my roommates I learned this treatment is a common practice amongst Russian folks. They "befriend" someone, use them for whatever, and when done discard them. Let's just say that this semester my availability has dramatically changed. Looking back, I sacrificed important social life time, study time, and invested a lot into a relationship that was entirely in my own mind. I don't know which is more discouraging, the fact that I continue being attracted to idiots, or seeing yet another roommate get a boyfriend.

Oh, here's some interesting news: My fitness regimen is paying off. At this point I can run a mile in 11 minutes 20 seconds. It is still a slow mile, but that is a 15 second speed boost from last week's pace. Also, more of my clothes that came to school with me are getting loose.

Speaking of clothes, here's some food for thought and a rhetorical question. It is a good idea to purchase clothes for someone who tells you they lost 20 pounds? Someone you haven't seen in months? Over the Christmas holiday, my mother gave me some clothes she had bought for me. They were nice clothes, but huge on me. I kept one shirt, but will probably not ever wear it. It makes me look 30 pounds heavier. I know she took the time to look, and that she loves me. The thing is, she had no clue as to my personal style, and somehow in her mind believes that upon looking at me everyone will see my "special spirit" and know how beautiful I am. Forget the fact that when I wear clothes that swim on me that I look fat.

About the looking fat thing: I know it seems that I obsess over it. That's just not so. But I did notice a change in the quantity of attention I receive. The lighter and more fit I've become, the more attention I garner. Its kind of funny. People, and by people I mean guys, who would not usually give me the time of day 20 pounds ago are doing double takes and seeking my opinions. If it weren't so entertaining, I'd probably put the fatwa on that kind of attention. Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying it. Just, what has changed so dramatically that I am now of interest? I don't feel different... Maybe a bit lighter, and better able to keep up in the gym. But my heart and mind are very much still the sarcastic, witty, East Coast mentality. Eh, these are the things that will boggle the mind. I'll just have to work to be gracious and not judgey.

Snow angels danced across fields today... Maybe it was just the wind "redistributing" the 12 inches of snow that graced this land.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

School Dazed

So I promised certain people I would be faithful in writing my blog... Obviously there have been a few bumps in the road. But that is in the past. I have much to report and share, and little time in which to do it.

Where to begin? Lets see... I've been working hard at school. Russian has turned out to be an amazing language to learn, and my favorite subject. I have enjoyed it so much that I began to reconsider my major. That said, I did change it up, again. I am now studying for an International Studies degree, emphasis in History, with a minor in Russian. I believe that will be the end of my degree swapping, though. I really feel like this is a perfect match for my interests, passions, and personality.

More interesting stuff... While I am still very much in a dry spell, there have been a couple guys that I have made particular friends with. One, I'll call Sascha, is a tutor on campus, and a student. He is ridiculously smart, just doesn't have the confidence in himself. (English is his second language. And though he has been in the States for many years, there is still room for improvement there.) Sascha has helped me immensely with my learning, and I in turn have aided him in his educational pursuits. He is a very personal, slightly introverted guy. Quite a difference from loud, outspoken, extroverted, shares everything me. As our friendship has grown, it has been interesting to watch how we've influenced each other. Some of my lingo has rubbed off on him. I'm not sure what of his has rubbed off on me... Maybe just the things we have in common have exacerbated. I've really only had 2 dates with Sascha, and both were instigated by me. One, I got tickets for a dinner and concert. They were great, and we both had a good time. But nothing really came of that. The next one was General Conference. I invited Sascha over for dinner, and to watch the last session of Conference. He enjoyed what I cooked, and the company. But once again, nothing came of it. He hasn't asked me out, and while I do like him and would like to date him, unless he does the asking nothing else will come of it. I've decided to not be a lazy guy enabler. A friend of mine went to BYU and never asked a girl out in the 4 years he attended. He did date. But the girls did all the asking. I refuse to be that kind of girl. It makes for unbearable guys.

The other friend I've made is someone who served a mission in my ward back home. He's been released! (Before any of all y'all get riled up about my friendship with a "forbidden" guy.) I'll call him Rico. Rico is very similar to me in temperament. He is outgoing, energetic, funny, active, and slightly sarcastic. I started writing Rico when I got out here, as we'd already started to develop a friendship serving in the East. When he was released and went home from his mission, Rico drove up to visit me, and to take care of some business for school. We did dinner, and a Dutch movie, then breakfast the next morning. I really enjoyed his company, even if he was telling me that he'd already been set up for that weekend, and was in talks with the girl. I don't know if anything will come of this one. He's decided to stay in Utah for schooling. And I have a feeling that the "set up" girl will be the one for him. He expressed an interest with me visiting him, and him visiting me. But one never can tell if it is to be as friends, or not. We'll see. Either way, he is still someone I'm glad to know.

This is finals week. I have been so busy pursuing good grades, and physical fitness, that I've sorely neglected my blogs. One thing I should mention: I am now not only a triathlete, but I am also an Ironwoman! The school had a Lazy Ironman triathlon. Pretty much that meant I had 30 days(minus Sundays and holidays) to run 26 miles, bike 112 miles, and swim 2.7 miles. I completed it, and I have the t-shirt to prove it! If it is offered again next semester, I may participate again. It felt so good to complete each mile marker.

Other exciting news: I will finish the semester with some pretty good grades. I'll have an "A" in Russian and Book of Mormon, a "B" in Science and American Foundations, and a "C" in Maths. The C may seem not so great, but I am pathetic when it comes to statistics. This required maths class consisted of 3 main topics: Finances, Probability, and Statistics. I bombed Statistics, but am doing super in the rest. Thus, a "C" grade is perfectly acceptable to me. I can't really think of anything else to talk about. I've only got 2 days left of classes. So, I'll be working hard to go out with a bang.


As always, I'll be keeping an eye on the clouds over the horizon, to see what they'll be bringing my way.

Please comment and share.

Thank you,

The Tallgurrl