Sunday Musings

If someone had told me 10 years ago, that I would be single, in college for my undergraduate degree, I would have said one of two things: 1, "You are craaaazy!"; 2, "You must be smoking something really good, and you should share it!" I had this notion of who I was, and where I was going to be. At the time, I thought I would be married, with several children by now. I thought that my limited view of the world had prepared me to be wife, mother, and general all around awesome person. I was an awesome person, but I still hadn't developed some very important character traits that I needed.

Fast-forward to the present day... I am single, but I have traveled all over the US. I have made amazing friends, and experienced so many character building things. I have an actual educational plan, and goals for a career. I am know who I am, and have confidence in myself. Most importantly, I have developed a much closer relationship with my God. It is actually kind of funny. I have been muddling through, thinking I was following my plans, when in reality it was God's plan all along. I haven't always agreed, or even liked, what was happening, but it has all been for my benefit.

Many of my friends have already experienced those milestones, that mark the path to "adulthood." They graduated college, became employed, had meaningful romantic relationships, married, started their families... Myself, I have always used a time table that is tailored to my needs. I do things when I am ready, and pity the fool who tries to adjust my speed at getting there. That is not to say that I lag behind in everything. Sometimes I far exceed standard expectations... The point is that when I am ready for something, I do it. Not a moment before, or after.

This has been running through my mind of late. Mostly because a dear friend was complaining about how unattractive she thinks she is to the opposite sex. She is beautiful... and short... and a touch shy... I don't know where she would have a problem. Guys typically go for the girl they can tuck under their arm, and they all dig the pretty girls. She has more guys interested in her than she even knows. It was difficult reigning in my sarcasm when she said that she didn't think guys were into her. All she has to do is hesitate in the school cafeteria, or edge of a dance floor, and she is approached. I love her, but grow frustrated when she says junk like that. She dated a ton in the last few months. If she wanted to, she could be married by the end of the semester... And I told her just that last night.

I think there is something wrong in the world, when a beautiful woman has such small confidence that she doesn't recognize her beauty. The fools who tease and bully should hang their heads in shame. Where does it say that tearing someone down will improve your standing in the world? All it makes you is the fool who opened his mouth and proved their idiocy. Mean people really distract from the joy of simply being. And they hurt people with their gossip, name-calling, and general bullying. Physical wounds heal fairly quickly. Wounds to the heart, however, can take a lifetime to heal. It is those heart-wounds that cause a beautiful woman to have low self-esteem, and a smart person to doubt her intelligence. I am a firm believer in karma. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say I believe in the law of the harvest. That which ye sow, shall ye also reap. Or in other words, you get back what you put forth. And with that in mind, I would challenge everyone to be mindful of the things you sow in your life. Are you sowing seeds of friendship and love, or seeds of hate and discontent? Think on that. And remember, for every action is an equal reaction. If you say a kind word, someone will be kind in turn.

There was a double rainbow on the horizon... Even through the pouring rain, beauty exists.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

This video is amazingly funny!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ4T9CQA0UM

Whale or Mermaid?

The following is apocrypha, but I love this story.

Recently in a large city in France, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,responded publicly to the questionposed by the gym.


To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good grief, look how smart I am!?"

Blue skies today. I think there may be a sea breeze coming over the mountains, very far inland.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Unrequited and Other Love Stories

I met a man this semester. He is kind, smart, spiritual, funny, a good friend. He possesses many of the traits I am looking for in a husband and father. There is just one problem: He is just not that into me. Oh sure, I am a great friend. But to put me into the realm of significant other, or even a potential, is ridiculous. And why? That is actually quite simple. I am the sole participant of the "my pal Zuzu" factor. Men just aren't interested in me for more. I am great as a friend... I have a lot of pretty female friends that they can meet through me. I love to do a lot of the same activities as them(exercise, run, cook/eat good food, etc). I really like action and sci-fi films. I am straight forward, honest, and don't play games. I am even fairly spiritual. But those traits really aren't important. My kindness doesn't matter, nor does my generous nature. Nope. Not at all. At least, not to men of my faith. I am LDS, and as far as the men I've met are concerned, I am as attractive as a syphilitic leper. And actually the leper has a better chance in love, as is evidenced by the many friends who are less conscientious with taking care of their bodies that are married and have children now. I feel kind of discouraged about the whole thing. Like, why should I bother taking care of myself for a better life later on. I probably won't have kids to run around with, or a husband to care, anyway.

It is actually kind of ironic. If I weren't so stuck on marrying within my faith, I would probably already be married. Men who are not LDS seem to find me attractive. It is just when you put that whole belief system there that puts me in an ugly and unattractive light. I won't say this particular faith has the trump on douchebags, because I am actually friends with many amazing men. And the men are good men, who all love their wives... Really, they are like my brothers. If only I were one of God's special children from Appalachia, who are cool with incest. (Just kidding!)

So back to my man-friend, who is not into me. I was actually fine with being friends. It has been a great experience, thus far. The problem is in me. I have been developing deeper feelings for him, and think I love him. This is where the issue lies: He very much does not return the feelings. In fact, I think he is into my roommate. It hit me so hard today in church. After taking the sacrament, literally right after-as in the guys who passed it were sitting down, I had this huge urgency to just get out. I couldn't be there any more. My heart hurt so much! Nothing any of the speakers had to say would calm my troubled heart. I needed to seek comfort from the Source. I wandered my way back to my apartment, and poured my heart out to God. I have never felt such heartbreak before, and just wanted some comfort and peace. I still am not there.

He is right now sitting in my living room, chatting up my roommate, while I type this post. I ache! It seems so unfair, sometimes. She has to just tilt her head and guys seem to follow. Meanwhile, I am so big and awkward that I have to rely on my wit. It is so painful to hang out with him like that. I know he will never reciprocate my feelings, which makes it more acute. I will never desire losing feelings, or numbness, as I spent years unable to feel. I will, however, seek comfort. I know this is just to make me more empathetic. If only I didn't have to feel so pathetic in the process.

The skies are kind of pink tonight. I'm not sure if that is the sunset on the smoke, or something else. But they are encouraging.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

What is in my Heart Today

In my university, there is a core group of classes that are required. They title their general education requirements as Foundation courses. The culmination of these courses is a final course entitled Capstone. In this class, critical thinking skills are taught and reinforced. Now before my more liberal readers get worried that I am being brainwashed, don't worry. They merely teach about researching before forming opinions, and looking at multiple sides of a situation before judging. I know this is not a novel idea, at least to my East Coast readers, but for many of the students on this campus it is revolutionary. They seem to flow in a mass of ignorance and spout off semi-extremist groups' dogma as their own truths, rather than come up with their own original thoughts. Let me illustrate.

In Capstone yesterday, we had homework due which required us to evaluate the character of Christ, and to evaluate our own character development journeys. That day, our discussion was a panel discussion, where four students, 2 men and 2 women, were brought in and introduced as homosexual couples that were accepted to BYU-Idaho, and would begin studies the following semester. I was one of the people in one of the couples. Lest I offend anyone who does not already knows this, I am not a lesbian, but was performing the role for the express purpose of opening some eyes and letting the people know that their paradigms were faulty, and in some cases wrong.

In the hallway, as I and my partner were discussing our story, I predicted how the class would go. I am sad to report that I was correct. As we walked in and were introduced, we were greeted by a sea of chuckles, smirks, and not a few nervous glances. The ensuing discussion, more of a question and answer session, was very telling. Some of the students were hell bent on saving our eternal souls, trying to convince of how wrong our lifestyles were, and that we couldn't get into heaven because of our choices. Some were taking an attitude of pointing out that we were breaking the Honor Code by being in a relationship. (Please note, there is a clause regarding living a chaste life in this contract. The chastity clause is applicable to homosexual and heterosexual students.) There were some that just wanted to know why we would choose a clearly Mormon school to attend, when we were living in a way counter to the teachings of the church. This went on for 35-40 minutes, they would shoot off a question, mostly inappropriate and none of their business... And we would answer, often asking "Why do you care?" There was one guy in particular, who I know didn't understand the point of the class. He was so convinced that he was right, and that it was a joke. I really wanted to smack his smirk off of his face, and kick him. His smug attitude was so off putting, that his otherwise attractive visage was becoming gruesome to look at. It was an act of mercy when the teacher called a halt and sent us to our seats. The end result was this: most of the people reevaluated their attitudes about people that are different. Some of the people kept their righteous pride, and security in their salvation. Myself, I stayed the same. After the discussion, the teacher interjected that not one student welcomed these new students to the school. At which point, one student said "Welcome to BYU-Idaho."

This post is not about being gay. Nor is it about religion, though if you want to profess belonging to one or another it behooves you to actually learn your church's stance on everything. What I am writing about is how we treat each other. As I performed that role, I found myself growing increasingly irritated and offended by the conversation and the tenor it was taking. Somehow the other students got it into their minds that the point of the discussion was to browbeat the panel. This was so wrong, in so many ways. The point was to make the students think about how they treat others, and what they think as they judge people who are different. Their inappropriate questions, clumsy attempts at convincing us to "change our wicked ways," the discussion about salvation and the direction we wanted to take with our partners in the relationship... All illustrated the general ignorance and deeply rooted prejudices the people had.

The following class we discussed what had happened in the previous one. We talked about the veiled hostility, the defensiveness on both sides, the ignorance of doctrine that was being quoted. I knew I had been a bit harsh and somewhat antagonistic. My purpose in that was to make these people think. Going in I had a real fear that some day one of these people would have their child come out to them, and be rejected by their parent. It was an unbearable thought, and if my being a bit aggressive and poking at their weak stances could prevent even one family from shattering by the means of pride, then my work was finished. One thing the teacher brought up, was that the school does in fact have many homosexual students, and they don't dare come out to people on campus out of fear of being treated exactly the way they treated the panel. I recently read a blog post that very concisely says what I am trying to say. This is what I would say, if I were better at writing. This expresses what is in my heart. The author is so right, and I hope this will spread abroad.

It isn't about tolerance, or religion. It isn't about who is going to heaven, or hell. It certainly isn't about politics. It is about Love. It doesn't matter who you are attracted to. It doesn't matter what color your skin is. It doesn't matter what your religion is, whether it be any religion or the religion of non-religion. It doesn't matter who you voted for in the last election. What does matter is how you treat your fellow beings. What matters is keeping families together with love. What matters is treating everyone with respect and dignity. At the end of the day, do you want to be known as the person who is filled with righteous hate and anger, or the person who is loving and gentle? You decide.

The air is filled with a thick cloud of fog. I do see a light in the horizon, very far away. I think we'll have a long way to go, to reach it... But I think we can make it.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Stupid Things That Come Out of My Mouth

Today I participated in teasing one of the nicest, sweetest girls I've ever met. I didn't mean to, but we hurt her feelings... A lot. Somehow this ribbing, which I have always attested to being "sisterly", got a little out of control. Now, I need to find a way to return the kind thoughts my roommate has towards me, and keep from putting my foot into it.

The whole situation has really made me think about how I treat other people, and what many would find offensive. Perhaps I am too teasing, and need to change how I show affection. I would never intentionally hurt another person. As the recipient of much bullying as a child, I find the practice abhorrent, and will defend those who are treated so to my dying breath. Somehow I was the bully this time, though. I need to figure out how to make it right. Because, this is a very uncomfortable situation to be in. Especially since the person who was hurt shares a bedroom with me.

I'm not sure what to do, though. As I said, I was the recipient of much bullying as a child/teen. Back then, I would bottle up my hurt and pain. The bullies who hurt me never really sought restitution or to make up for their ill treatment of me. In their minds, I imagine, I was just an oversensitive "weak" person, who was an easy target for their fun. Either that, or it just didn't occur to them that making me into a pariah, and taunting me that should I just commit suicide-it would be better for everyone, would hurt me.

I have moved on from that time. In fact, I hadn't thought of it for decades. This incident just made me remember how it felt, and I don't want to be that person who doesn't care. I don't know where my former bullies are these days. But I do not wish them ill. Their actions made me who I am today. Though I do take a small pleasure knowing that at least one of them is living with karma.
Meanwhile, it is up to me to figure out what I need to do to rectify this situation. Wish me luck.

The sky is green, right now... I'm going to have to rush to avoid the coming twister.

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl

Frozen Tundra, aka Winter Semester 2012

I have been a very busy woman, these past few months. This past summer, I worked full time, helped my mom as she recuperated, did 2 online classes, and made plans for the fall semester. I tried to keep my head down, as I no longer consider myself "homed." By that I mean, I spend breaks with my family, whom I love greatly, then go back to my apartment for school. I don't think I will have a home again until I have finished my schooling and begun my new career.

During the fall semester, I stayed busy with school, work, and getting to know my friends better. I sort of began dating my friend Xiang, which is still a mystery to me. We were at a diner after work one Saturday, sharing a burger and a shake. A few of his friends came up and started talking with us. One asked if we were on a date. We both looked at each other and replied "not really." Now I am a sometimes snarky, extremely teasing person. I took it a step further and said "Yeah, we mostly hang out. In fact, we hang out to a quantity that he would be strongly chastised by general authorities." Everyone laughed, and we finished up and left. As we got into the car he said that we should date. I was a bit surprised, to say the least.  I replied that it would be fun, and thus began the alteration of the title of our hanging out. In truth, we only had one real date, where he picked me up, paid for tickets, and fed me. I had a good time, and I know he did too. But the end result was still the same: We are just friends, and while he does his internship on the East Coast, I will date/hang like there is no tomorrow. It is kind of a shame, though. We are so similar in temperament and mind set. We get along so well and are such good friends. I guess the thing I learned from that experience is I need to be with someone who is like a best friend.

Now that I am almost a month into the winter semester, I have come to a realization. I have no business taking math courses any later than 9 am. For some reason, if it is any later in the day I do not recall what was taught. For that purpose, I have dropped my 1015 Trig class, and will take it next semester. That frees up a little bit of time for me, but also makes it imperative that I work super hard on everything and not slack off.

On more of the school front, I submitted my grad plan (plan for classes to finish my degree), and it was approved. According to my plan, I will finish all of my classes during the fall of 2013. I am super excited to be finishing up sooner than earlier anticipated. My previous plan had me finishing in winter 2014. Now don't get me wrong... I love this school and the atmosphere here. That said, I am so over spending forever and a day in Idaho. I want to git 'er done and get on out of here. I have put too much on hold: education, life, sociableness, career. This needs to be done sooner than later.

Other things to share... I made a few "revolutions" this year. One of them is to participate in a cultural event each week. That could be an art exhibit, musical performance, play... The list is endless, but distinctive. I chose this because I realized that last semester I was mostly a hermit. I didn't do much, and really regretted it. The other reason is that I have a friend who is my cultural buddy. He is a short German, who is extremely intelligent, and so not into me. That is a good thing, because I am very not into him, too. It is just nice to have someone to hang out with, without any of the pressures involved in a dating type situation. So far, we have attended 2 musical events, and this week was the art exhibit in the Spori gallery. Tonight, I hope someone will fill in for me at work. I really want to go to the Celtic music and dance thingummy. I love that stuff!

The cold air stole my breath today. Be sure to wear a hat!

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Thank you,

The Tallgurrl