I met a man this semester. He is kind, smart, spiritual, funny, a good friend. He possesses many of the traits I am looking for in a husband and father. There is just one problem: He is just not that into me. Oh sure, I am a great friend. But to put me into the realm of significant other, or even a potential, is ridiculous. And why? That is actually quite simple. I am the sole participant of the "my pal Zuzu" factor. Men just aren't interested in me for more. I am great as a friend... I have a lot of pretty female friends that they can meet through me. I love to do a lot of the same activities as them(exercise, run, cook/eat good food, etc). I really like action and sci-fi films. I am straight forward, honest, and don't play games. I am even fairly spiritual. But those traits really aren't important. My kindness doesn't matter, nor does my generous nature. Nope. Not at all. At least, not to men of my faith. I am LDS, and as far as the men I've met are concerned, I am as attractive as a syphilitic leper. And actually the leper has a better chance in love, as is evidenced by the many friends who are less conscientious with taking care of their bodies that are married and have children now. I feel kind of discouraged about the whole thing. Like, why should I bother taking care of myself for a better life later on. I probably won't have kids to run around with, or a husband to care, anyway.
It is actually kind of ironic. If I weren't so stuck on marrying within my faith, I would probably already be married. Men who are not LDS seem to find me attractive. It is just when you put that whole belief system there that puts me in an ugly and unattractive light. I won't say this particular faith has the trump on douchebags, because I am actually friends with many amazing men. And the men are good men, who all love their wives... Really, they are like my brothers. If only I were one of God's special children from Appalachia, who are cool with incest. (Just kidding!)
So back to my man-friend, who is not into me. I was actually fine with being friends. It has been a great experience, thus far. The problem is in me. I have been developing deeper feelings for him, and think I love him. This is where the issue lies: He very much does not return the feelings. In fact, I think he is into my roommate. It hit me so hard today in church. After taking the sacrament, literally right after-as in the guys who passed it were sitting down, I had this huge urgency to just get out. I couldn't be there any more. My heart hurt so much! Nothing any of the speakers had to say would calm my troubled heart. I needed to seek comfort from the Source. I wandered my way back to my apartment, and poured my heart out to God. I have never felt such heartbreak before, and just wanted some comfort and peace. I still am not there.
He is right now sitting in my living room, chatting up my roommate, while I type this post. I ache! It seems so unfair, sometimes. She has to just tilt her head and guys seem to follow. Meanwhile, I am so big and awkward that I have to rely on my wit. It is so painful to hang out with him like that. I know he will never reciprocate my feelings, which makes it more acute. I will never desire losing feelings, or numbness, as I spent years unable to feel. I will, however, seek comfort. I know this is just to make me more empathetic. If only I didn't have to feel so pathetic in the process.
The skies are kind of pink tonight. I'm not sure if that is the sunset on the smoke, or something else. But they are encouraging.
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Thank you,
The Tallgurrl
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