My pseudonym is Zuzu Bailey. I have long been a fan of the film Its a Wonderful Life, and thought myself to be of a similar personality to the daughter. As such, when choosing the anonymity pseudonym the name Zuzu Bailey instantly came to mind. I only hope that I can do justice to the sprite that is that character. Now why, you may ask, do I want to maintain anonymity? It is quite simple: Sometimes I will write about friends and acquaintances. People, myself included, do not always come off in the best light when frankness and candor are employed. In order to "protect the innocent," I use assumed names for everyone featured in the blog. I may at some time change that, but for the present, vague fake names and identifying features will will have to suffice.
Now, more about names. You may also be wondering why I always sign off as The Tallgurrl. There is a little story to go with that. I come from a vertically blessed family. Throughout my childhood, I was usually the tallest student. As kids who are insecure will act, many would poke fun at my height and general size. Over the years, I have come to realize both the awesomeness and advantages of being tall. I am what my DNA was designed to be, and no amount of fighting it or regretting it will alter what is my glorious height, 6'0". In the spirit of self acceptance and trying to be an example to others who may be dealing with any sort of body issues, I choose to call a spade a spade... In other words, I will not deny my tallness. Instead, I celebrate it and the Amazon-ness that it entails, and sorrow for those who seek to feel superior through careless, or pointed comments. I titled my blog "The Weather Up Here" after my middle school autobiography because too often shorter people would make the lame comment "how's the weather up there?" I decided that since I will always know before my shorter, and occasionally uncouth acquaintances, it would be a kindness to give them some advanced warning.
So, a little more about me... I was raised in coastal New Hampshire, the third of four children. My parents made an effort to show my siblings and I a much larger world, and so exposed us to a variety of cultures... (Including the cultures of our own familial heritage.). I grew up loving to read and explore. It was not uncommon to have multiple trips a week to the local public library to exchange the 4-5 books I had checked out and finished reading. (Yes, I am that fast a reader.). The kids in my family had the "normal" amount of bickering, but we would challenge anyone who would do or say anything that hurt our siblings. It is one thing if we said it, but an outsider... unthinkable.
So why college, and why Idaho? I had been working in a career that was somewhat limited in its ability to move up in the company. It was not really a living wage, when life expenses were factored in. Returning to college, to get a degree, was really the most intelligent option for making myself more marketable an employee. That 4 year degree, no matter what it was in, would give me a much needed boost in starting wages. Now as for Idaho, that was just a feeling. I come from a place rife with universities, many of them Ivy League. (Not to say I was planning to apply for there, but it was available.). I was looking at schools, and trying to get a sense of where I would fit in, where I would have the best experience, and where I wouldn't have to sell my left kidney to afford tuition. In the end, of the schools that I was accepted to, BYU-Idaho was the right fit. I'm loving my time here. I learn a lot, and the area/people are so kind. I feel no fear taking a ride from a stranger home from the grocery store... I'm not stupid, I would only accept during daylight and if they weren't giving off a serious creeper vibe.
Other tidbits about me: I am not married. I have dated a number of "special children of God," as well as some interesting people. Each experience has taught me things I want in a partner, and things that are total deal-breakers. I wouldn't change a one of them, though, because at the least I got some good stories out of them. I am LDS, a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My parents raised me as such, and I found for myself that this is included in my truth. I love to cook. I think that if I weren't studying public health, I would probably have gone to Le Cordon Bleu and become a master chef. Being a total foodie is a way of life for me, and having farm to table food is a passion. I am a bit of a knitting fan. A good friend of mine taught me to knit a few years ago, and it has been a hobby of mine ever since. It helps me focus. It helps me pass time. I get to feel really soft fibers. There doesn't seem to be a down side to it.
So why read my blog? I hope you are reading it to gain some insights. Maybe it is entertaining to you. Perhaps you want to start discussion on one of the things I post about. I had initially started this blog, and wrote some borderline "I've been victimized by my buddies" posts. During the past 6 months, I had much time for reflection, and decided that the voice I was using here didn't accurately reflect who I really am, or how I really feel about things. I'm not rewriting any of my old posts. They can stand as a testament to how I'm transitioning as a person and blogger. Besides, someone somewhere might want to chime in on a conversation. What I want to pursue as a voice here and now is one of positivity, love, hope, faith, and feminism. I'll write about the feminism at a later time, but I think that my views are echoed by many people, but just not labeled the way I choose to label them.
I think what I was using my blog for, before, was as a mask. It was a way to hide and not be really honest about who I really am. It is easy to point fingers. It is easy to close our eyes a little bit when we look in the mirror. But part of loving ourselves is recognizing our flaws, accepting the things we cannot change about ourselves, changing what we can, and forgiving ourselves for not being perfect.
What are your masks? Is there something that you are afraid to share with a loved one, in fear that they won't accept that part of you? Do you hide your awesomeness, worried that it won't cut the muster?
Tonight's autumnal winds are strong enough to remove the clouds of doubt that hide who we are. But have no fear, the colorful leaves are still falling and making the landscape a virtual mosaic of riotous colors.
Please comment. I really want to hear your thoughts and feelings. And as always, share this with your loved ones and friends.
Thank you,
The Tallgurrl
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