Its been a a little while, my introspection. Through the past few months, I had to really be critical of myself and also kinder. There is a reason: I sustained a crippling injury that required surgery and 6+ months of twice weekly physical therapy. My body was broken, and I couldn't do most of the things I wanted to do. I had nothing but time, so decided to use it in a better way than just vegetating and being super depressed.
 |
| This is not my foot, but an example of how I initially treated it. |
Three days before Christmas 2012, I was attending a party in someone's home. It was an old New England styled home, which means that the steps to the den were 4 inches high and 12-18 inches deep. I missed one of the steps, and in my fall twisted my feet, breaking my left one. I didn't know it was broken. I thought it was a very painful, bad sprain. I did some RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation), and continued to do my holiday work. I was the recipient of several rude comments about my laziness and making up my injury to avoid being a help to my mother/grandmother during the holidays. I think the people who held those sentiments got to eat some humble pie when I called my family the second week of the winter semester at college, to tell them that I would be having a major surgery that Friday.
That experience was one of the most humbling one I've ever had in my life. The pain was so bad that I wound up taking a lot of narcotics. The nerve damage was so extensive (the doctor had to move all of the nerve clusters in my foot to have space to work in) that I only recently am getting feeling back in my toes. (Imagine a daily feeling of fiery tarantulas crawling under your skin, then devolving to just hairy tarantulas, and then just the numb... That's what my foot was like.) The physical discomfort aside, the emotional drain was very difficult, too. I went from a fairly trim active woman, to one who can barely walk. I exercised 4 times a week, danced ballet, took random walks. Then it was nothing. I experienced atrophy in my leg that more than halved the muscle mass/tone, and also gained weight. Exercise has long been therapeutic for me, and to be unable to participate was debilitating. Also, the medications made my mind so fuzzy that I had to medically defer 2 semesters, thereby pushing my graduation date a year.
Being a physically weak person made me examine my emotional, spiritual, and intellectual strength. I found that I wavered a lot emotionally. I had my up days, and my days that were perpetually grey. In the whole, though, I worked hard to keep an optimistic outlook. I knew there was a finish line, and I was determined to make it there within the prescribed time constraints. Intellectually I have been and always will be strong. God has granted me a gift in learning, and I intend to always use it and be worthy of having it. Spiritually, I had a bit of a struggle. I know that "all things happen for a higher purpose." But sometimes that seems very trite and easy to say. So many people who are comfortable in their existence and where they are would express this, but it often feels insincere. In my life, rarely have I felt the consistent eye of care from my fellow man. I wasn't poor enough. I wasn't from large enough of a family. I wasn't in an obvious struggle of faith. This was the curse/legacy I was given: being self contained. (I've always kept my issues to myself.) So as I struggled with my physical issues, it was excruciating in both pain and the asking for help. I still have difficulty asking for help, but have improved of late.
My struggle of faith, that was a different matter. I didn't share it with anyone but my older sister. We were raised in a devout LDS family, but I was questioning things. There is the LDS doctrine, which I have a firm testimony is true and very much the sort of things God and Jesus want done. Then there is the LDS culture. The culture is one thing that I will probably struggle with for my entire life. The people are not perfect, but somehow I expect better... more from them. I spent many weeks this spring/summer praying and pondering whether it was worth the investment of time with people who aren't all that they claim to be. My sister gave me the good advice to keep doing whatever helped me grow closer to God, and keep asking what to do. It would be in the good works, and spirit growing that the answers would come. So I would stay home from church, and instead do my own pursuit. (The LDS church uses lay clergy, and their sermons are mostly given by the congregation. Sometimes they are a bit eccentric, so sometimes I really have to struggle to feel the Holy Spirit.) It was on one of those Sundays that it really came to me: it doesn't matter what these other people think, say, do. All that matters is what I do, say, think... and how much closer it gets me to my God and my Jesus. Is what I'm doing improving my holy relationships? Who am I to question where another person is in a spiritual aspect? These questions made me pray for different things, and for more people. Some of the selfish fell away, and more of the love came to rest.
As I began changing my prayers and changing my heart, I noticed something very interesting happening. The very traits that I have been desiring in a mate have been growing in me... At least, I think that they have. Really, the only way to know if one has those traits is to know how s/he sees other people. For myself, my opinions of other people have been changing. I do admit, though, that it is difficult to be at a college with people who are 10+ years younger than me. I literally go to school with children. But there is something beautiful about that. Many of my classmates possess within themselves an innocence and purity that reminds me of angels.
Keep looking for the beauty in this world. The weather is ever changing. Whether there is a storm on the horizon, or a glorious sunrise, a peaceful heart will find a joyful experience.
Please keep reading and commenting, and sharing this blog. I'm working making this a daily post blog this semester.
Thank you,
The Tallgurrl
No comments:
Post a Comment